I have decided to use this December and January differently. Since quite a while I have been feeling this strong desire to pull myself out of all the self-imposed ‘obligations’, having an empty agenda with no appointments, not having a to-do list that tells me who I need to call and what else I still need to do.
I just have the desire to reduce all kinds of “outside noise” and spend time with myself, listening to my heart.
When I shared my decision with the people around me, who would also be affected, I was deeply touched by how appreciative, understanding and loving their reactions were. What great people. But there also was concern. “Be careful that you don’t isolate yourself completely. We humans are social beings, we need contacts and interaction,” one of my colleagues stated. My father in particular was really concerned. “You’re already so alone out there on the countryside, what do you want to withdraw even more?” For him it is hard to imagine that I am really and wholeheartedly looking forward to being alone with myself in silence. Well, he’s not the only one.
For some, the thought of being alone and the associated fear of feeling lonely can be unbearable.
And since in times of Covid imposed contact restrictions have been part of our lives, it has become even more obvious how difficult it is for many to deal with being alone.
Well, strictly speaking I will not be alone. I finally have decided to invite a long-term friend. This is another desire I have been feeling for some time now: I want to reconcile with her. And believe me, there is a lot to be reconciled.
Let me tell you about my friend. In fact, we have known each other for what feels like a lifetime, have experienced quite a few ups and downs together and every now and then lost sight of each other. In fact, if I’m honest, she annoyed and still annoys me quite often and I then pretty frequently distance myself. And despite of my sometimes really dreadful behavior, she always stays tuned and is always there when I need her. Well, she is often also there when I don’t need her or just don’t want her around. Then I can be really nasty and just ignore her, push her aside. There is one thing in particular that’s really bothering me increasingly. She is such a drag! I have, for example, an idea and want to inspire her and she is totally against it, innately. Every fiber in her resists and it always costs me a huge effort to persuade her to open up. Sometimes I really have to force her to start something, but then at the end she loves it. A friend of mine once gave her the nickname ‘retarder’. I mean, I’m not the only one who struggles with her permanent resistance. Generally, I manage to convince her to go my way, but I also realize that her resistance toward me is getting stronger and stronger. And I realize that it affects me.
I am feeling tired and exhausted, it’s getting harder and harder to just push against her resistance.
You might be wondering why I still deal with her?
Well, I’ve tried a few times to banish here completely from my life, but that always backfired at some point. Suddenly she was standing in front of me again and spoke to me in loud and clear words, so that I just couldn’t avoid her.
If I’m honest, I also know that pushing is not the solution. Actually, I now would really like to understand her. I haven’t bothered to truly listen to her so far and put myself in her shoes.
That’s why I’ve decided to invite her into my home for the upcoming weeks so that we can take our time together and just listen to each other.
In any case, one thing is certain: my dad and friends don’t need to be concerned. I will definitely not be lonely in her company. It will certainly be exhausting at times and I may also fall back into my escape pattern every now and then, but I’m looking forward to it and I’m curious what we will discover together.
You want to know who exactly this loyal friend is? It’s me myself.